In response to accusations of sexual assault against Bill Cosby, his lawyers have repeatedly denied, dismissed and discredited allegations.* Previously, lawyers have said they would not dignify these alleged accusations, but we have found secret documents with responses to each allegation.
Here are the lawyers’ response to each and everyone of the 24 allegations.
- 1965 Allegation: Passed out after drinking one cocktail at a party where she ended up being the sole guest; woke up to forced oral sex
Lawyer response: “I don’t know why she’s making this up. It must be for money or fame.”
- 1967 Allegation: In a moment alone, Cosby pulled accuser close and kissed her roughly
Lawyer response: “Again, jumping on the money/fame bandwagon. … What? She’s already rich? Well, it’s Hollywood. Who doesn’t want to be more rich?”
- 1969 Allegation: Invited over for mentoring; raped
Lawyer response: “Ooh, ooh! A conspiracy! Now it’s definitely a conspiracy.”
- 1970 Allegation: Just months after death of young son, Playboy Playmate given ‘happy’ pill by Cosby. Forced oral sex and rape.
Lawyer response: “After Cosby’s routine the previous year about slipping Spanish Fly into women’s drinks on his album unfortunately entitled ‘It’s True! It’s True!’, this girl laid in wait for 43 years until the coven of conspirators was ready.”
- 1971 Allegation: Forced oral sex
Lawyer response: “Paranoia and delusional schizoid fantasy with severe, intermittent Baron von Munchausen factitious disorder.”
- 1973 Allegation: Grabbed breast
Lawyer response: “Jesus, we’re going to be here for hours if we go over all these accusations one by one. Forget these women. Let’s just focus on our randomized responses, shall we?”
- Fame. Delusional.
- Money. Delusional.
- But he’s Mr. Huxtable! With the funny and the nice and the good deeds and the sound effects!
- Heart stopped beating from drugging, so technically, necrophilia, not rape.
- Spanish Fly addict.
- False memory syndrome.
- Daddy issues.
- Famity fame fame fame.
- Alright, you got us. This one may have happened.
- Shits and giggles.
- Once men are married, they just have a way to shut that whole rape thing down.
- His wife believes him.
- Jackophilia: A very rare sexual fantasy in which the afflicted has an unrelenting desire to see his or her name dragged through the public in the most humiliating and degrading way possible.
- Game of Thrones on hiatus; used self as fictional rape victim instead.
- Hates pudding.
- Have I said ‘fame’ lately? Fame.
- Have I said ‘money’ lately? Money.
- Private investigator has found intel that accuser is bringing charges of cannibalism against Tom Hanks and bestiality against Mr. Rogers next.
At press time, lawyers were preparing a brief, tentatively entitled: ‘Bitches Be Crazy.’ Legal interns were working around the clock for alternate title names, including: ‘93% of Women in America are Lying, Delusional and Crazy’ or “I’m just a lowly law office intern at this office and I’m going to get my ass fired for saying this, but this guy is guilty as fuck.”
Note: Thank you to comedienne Roseanne Barr for the impetus to publish this.
* Written in the style of The Onion. Just last night at Second City, I started a Writing for The Onion class, where we discussed the power of satire. I woke up this morning to 12 satirists dead in Paris and Phylicia Rashad telling us to ‘Forget these women.’ I’d been drafting a few Onion-esque articles for the class, and it seemed like a good time to post this one.