Jeans Unwashed for 11 Months Develop Ability To Recognize Self In Mirror: Onion Homework

The best homework since Pirate Swashbuckling School is from the Writing for The Onion class at The Second City‘s training center.

A bit of background: in an ongoing quest to find my voice, I’m now studying comedy writing at The Second City’s training program. For class last night, I had to turn in 10 Onion-worthy headlines. Here are the best 25 I came up with. Any favorites? Can you guess which ones the class and teacher liked the best?

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Man, I really gotta wash these more often.
  1. Unwashed Jeans Develop Ability to Recognize Self In Mirror
  2. Area Woman Buys Staples At Staples
  3. Tonight, 11.22pm, Youth Hostel Bar: Nonessential Lecture by Self-Appointed Cultural Attache Chad, 34, On Thai Hill Tribe Tattoos
  4. Wife of Cat-Calling Construction Worker: “After 40 Years, Our Love Keeps Growing Stronger Based On His Initial Admiration of My Tight Ass”
  5. In Surprising Bid, NSA Branches Into Toy Manufacturing With Purchase Of ‘Elf On The Shelf’
  6. Cool Baby Boomer Grandma Knits Bong Cozy
  7. World’s Only Perfect Man To Close Tinder Account In Fifteen Minutes
  8. Washington Redskins Changes Names To Washington Watermelon Eaters
  9. Area Couple Now Established Long Enough To Discriminate Against Single Friends
  10. Brave Area Man Loses Wife, Kids, Job In Same Week; Doesn’t Murder Single Person
  11. Death Row Inmate With Brain Cancer’s Assisted Suicide Denied By Compassionate Conservativism
  12. Press Conference: Parents Detail 244-Page Plan To Screw Up Three-Month-Old Fetus
  13. Ebola Vaccine Discovered! Needed: 10,000 Moms To Blow On Booboos, Owies, and Pus-Filled Bleeding Eyeballs
  14. Hoarders! Squirrel Edition
  15. Ann Coulter Visits Death Valley; Portal To Hell Opens, Engulfing 600 Park Visitors
  16. The One True God Revealed As Tawa, Hopi Sun God; All Non Believers Perish
  17. Mitt Romney Travels To Republican Convention Strapped To Roof Of Private Jet
  18. Report: Even At Age 41, Little Sister Still Two Years Younger Than You
  19. “Floral” Wallpaper At Creepy Evangelical Aunt’s House Actually Image of 20,000 Tormented, Writhing Souls
  20. Study: 81% Of Female Converts To Islam Due To Bad Hair Days
  21. Girlfriend Sighing On Couch Actually Just Needed To Rapidly Exhale Air
  22. Oculus Rift’s New Suicide Simulator Sells Out At Morrissey Concert
  23. Gracious Hostess Pretends Not To Scoff At Wine Bottle’s $4.99 Price Tag
  24. Area Man On Date Praying To God And All That Is Holy Stomach Gurgle Doesn’t Develop Into Full-Blown Fart
  25. Cubans Who Faked Communism Principles for 50 Years Finally Coming To Terms With Hosting Spring Breakers
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